


found arms to fall right into, i know how it looked (it wasn't the plan)

by MISHTAR



Category: Video Blogging RPF, Youtube RPF, troye sivan - Fandom
Genre: But this is what happens when I need to study and Troye releases a new song, I have no idea where this fic comes from, M/M, Post The Good Side
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-03-10 09:46:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13499450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MISHTAR/pseuds/MISHTAR
Summary: Troye wasn’t expecting to hear from Connor. Not after the song had been released, not after the SNL performance. He wasn’t expecting it, but he would have liked to get some kind of reaction. A tweet, a text, anything.





	found arms to fall right into, i know how it looked (it wasn't the plan)

Troye wasn’t expecting to hear from Connor. Not after the song had been released, not after the SNL performance. He wasn’t expecting it, but he would have liked to get some kind of reaction. A tweet, a text, anything.

He had kept himself from reading his former lover’s book, knowing that it would only make it worse. The guilt was already eating him alive, keeping him from truly moving on. He didn’t need to read anything else about how deeply their breakup had affected his ex-boyfriend, how depressed he had been since Troye had left him alone. 

He knew that nothing in their situation was fair. From the way they had broken up, to this song, nothing had never been fair. If Troye wanted to ignore the existence of the book, he could. Connor wouldn’t be this lucky: running from his songs was simply impossible with their community. He would have to listen to it, to hear his apology, acknowledge it, even if he didn’t want to. 

Listen to an apology that Troye had never dared to give him in real life.

He was shaking when he finally reached the backstage. 

“Hey, are you alright?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

Of course, Jacob could tell that it was a lie, anyone who had eyes could probably tell. But Troye didn’t have the strength to fight or even really deny it, so he gave a half-hearted lie that his boyfriend would never believe. 

“I’ll be fine, just give me a minute,” Troye added, for good measure.

It was the truth. After all, he had to celebrate. They had to celebrate. He just had to get his mind off his song, of what Connor was probably going through on that exact same moment. 

“You did it, I’m so proud of you.”

Looking up into Jacob’s bright eyes, Troye couldn’t find himself regretting anything, though. He was happy. Two years. Almost. Everything had changed since then. He never really did think about it, yet it was always at the back of his mind. The guilt, the regrets, the things left unsaid. And when time had come to write again, he had known he had to do it. To get rid of the pain in his chest, the heavy feeling that never truly left him. 

“Thank you.”

Big hands landed on his shoulders, lips caressed the thin skin of his neck and Jacob’s musky smell invaded his senses. 

“Go take a shower, I’ll wait for you, we’re celebrating this.”

Jacob took his phone out of his pocket and took a snapshot of his boyfriend’s face. 

“I bet this is a very flattering picture.”

“Pictures of you can only be flattering, honey.”

Jacob grinned and posted the picture on his private Instagram account. Troye rolled his eyes and got up, his melancholy almost forgotten thanks to his boyfriend’s stupid behaviour. He wasn’t blind, of course he could see that something bothered him. 

“Don’t sweat it, Troye.”

The newly-blond smiled. A sad, sad, smile that Jacob wanted to kiss away but chose to accept, embrace, instead. He knew the sorrow that came with their relationship, he had known since the beginning, that things were going to be tough at some point, when Troye would finally realize what had happened and address it. And the worst was yet to come. He could feel it in his bones. And he could tell that Troye felt it too. 

“Enjoy your night, you deserve it, we’ll deal with this later.”

To be completely honest, Jacob had expected to hear from Connor sooner, right after the new song had been released. His silence hung heavy in the air, and Troye was suffering from it. Not that he deserved any kind of answer, but still, they both knew that they would have to speak, directly, to each other at some point. They needed closure, and writing books, songs, about each other, apologizing without daring to say it eye to eye was completely and sadly vain. 

Troye disappeared, leaving Jacob in the room, his mind elsewhere. 

Releasing the song was one thing, performing it in live was another. If Connor had watched, he must have felt Troye’s words in his core. Maybe, he would need a little more time, more time, always more time. At one point, Jacob had considered calling Connor himself, but quickly changed his mind. They had never met. They only hever had been in the same (large) room, but their eyes had never met. He knew he was the enemy anyway. The new guy, the one Troye had replaced his ex-boyfriend with. They both knew how bad it had looked at that time.

x

 _“We can’t,” came Jacob’s voice, so close to his ear._

_They had known, since they had walked into that fucking gay bar, since Jacob had taken his hand to lead him there, that things would get messed up._

_Because there was just a certain amount of temptation someone could handle before submitting to it. And being so close to each other in the dark, even sitting on two different seats, was very close to reaching the limit._

_Why had he thought that leading Troye here was a clever idea? He didn’t know, to be honest. He just felt like it at that time. If he hadn’t put an end to the meeting they were both attending, they would have exploded. And Troye would have ended up too close to him anyway, but in one of their hotel rooms. So here, in public, was the safest option._

_“I’m getting tired of this fucking game,” Troye said, rolling his eyes._

_Jacob cocked an eyebrow. Of course, he was not going to make it easy. He wanted it, this, them as much as he did. He only sighed._

_“You know we can’t, you know how…”_

_“How what? How it’ll look?”_

_Troye was not an angry guy, he was more of a sad person, who would mope for an entire day instead of trashing his room. The complete opposite of Jacob. Yet, here they were, Troye being angry, ready to trash the bar, and Jacob trying to keep him from making a scene._

_“You know it’s not that.”_

_“What is it then?”_

Am I not good enough? Don’t you want me? _His eyes dared Jacob to say it, to destroy the little self-love he still had left. The younger man approached, coming dangerously closer, his nose now touching Jacob’s, his eyes never fluttering._

_“Don’t you dare tell me you don’t want it, because you’d be a fucking liar”_

_“I won’t be your rebound one-night stand, Troye”_

_“What?”_

_He looked truly surprised by Jacob’s statement. Which made him laugh. Nervously, along with the song of his heart shattering at the realisation._

_“You can’t even see it, right?”_

_“See what?”_

_“What you’re doing.” Troye looked lost, trying to understand what the fuck Jacob was saying. “You’re falling into the arms of the first person who’s willing to accept you because you can’t deal with-”_

_“Fuck you.”_

_The truth was, Jacob could wait. He would wait. There was this thing between them, that spark that was born on the day they had met. Broken heart or not, the thing they had was genuine. They just had to wait, so they wouldn’t destroy it right away._

_“I broke up with him, you know that, right?”_

_Jacob nodded, that didn’t prove anything._

_“That doesn’t mean you’re not-”_

_“And you know why? Because we simply weren’t good for each other. Simple as that. It’s going to sound terrible, but my heart can’t be broken if I never gave it to anyone. I liked him, but I don’t think I was ever in love with him. So, don’t you dare tell me what I’m doing when you know nothing. I know what I want, and what is good for me. We’ve been around each other for long enough to know that we both want it, I know what I’m doing.”_

_The taller man was left wordless, his lips slightly parted._

_“You-”_

_“It hurt, because I care for him. Not because I love him.”_

_That changed everything._

_“You’re not lying.”_

_“I’m not lying.”_

_“You want this.”_

_“I do.”_

_“Fuck.”_

_They looked at each other. Really looked at each other, Jacob trying to find the flaw, the lie, but Troye’s eyes were just so open, so honest, burning. He knew that there was something more, that it was too beautiful to be true, but damn, he wanted him so, so, so fucking much. He was fucked._

x

And as simply as that, they had ended up kissing messily in the bathroom of the bar before leaving for Troye’s hotel room. Since then, they had had multiple conversations about it, about Connor, about the fact that Jacob was Troye’s rebound relationship, even though it had taken him time to admit it. Yet, no matter how hard it had been, they were still standing. Sometimes Jacob couldn’t help but wonder how the hell it was possible, but he could only find one serious answer: that strange connexion they shared.

Somehow, he couldn’t help but wonder if next time, in a future where they have eventually broken up, Troye would tell his next boyfriend that he never truly loved Jacob, if he would still be in denial of his own feelings. What was going in this pretty head of his was a complete mystery and the only way he knew how to share his feelings was to sing, sing, write songs, sing them, to him, them, to the world. 

He would never forget that night when Troye had sung those little words while looking right at him. He knew who they had been written for, how messed up things were in his boyfriend’s head. It had lead up to a huge fight, one of those he would have liked to forget about. But things were better after that and with the end of the tour, they had finally taken some time for themselves. To rest, to talk things out.

_You can’t sing songs that you wrote for someone else to me, Troye._  
Why not?  
Because it fucking hurts. Him, me, and you.  
Why me?  
Because that means that you erased him from your mind and your past, and that’s fucked up. Don’t do that again, not until you’ve finally put your shits together. 

Remembering all of this, how hard it had been for Troye, to find the right words, to finally stop being in denial about what Connor had been to him, Jacob could only feel prouder. If their relationship had been fragile at first, even though so natural that it was scary sometimes, it was now obvious that they were meant for each other. For now, at least, in the states they were in. 

“Hey babe.”

Jacob turned his head, mind-blown as always when he saw Troye in a suit.

“Feeling better?”

“Yeah”

Writing _The Good Side_ had had this therapeutic effect on Troye, making him acknowledge how important Connor was -because, no, he was not just _some guy_ in his past- and what mistakes he had made during the last few years. He had matured so much since the first words had been laid out on paper that Jacob had ended up falling even more and more in love with his boyfriend.

Performing had exhausted him. Physically and mentally. But Troye was not going to let this ruin his celebration night. He was glowing. After all, performing on SNL was a big step in his career. 

“Jacob?”

“Hm?”

The younger man came to sit on one of his legs, avoiding looking him in the eyes. 

“Do you think he knows? That it’s about him?”

“I’m sure he does.”

Connor was not stupid, and with the fanbase always bothering everyone with Tronnor, it was impossible for him to miss the song, and the meaning behind the words. 

“I should have warned him.”

Jacob sighed. Yes, he could have texted him. But that wasn’t the purpose of this song. This song was for Troye, not for Connor, or maybe it was for them, but first and foremost, it was Troye’s way to let some of his guilt go.

“Even this song is fucking selfish. I wrote it, released it when he last expected to hear from me and now he has to deal with the fans for my own sake. Just because of my own fucking needs, not his, not ours-”

“Troye, Troye, Troye, love, listen to me. You did what you needed to do so you could feel better. When he published his book, he didn’t ask you either.”

“But he never hurt me, he had all the rights to-”

“You both needed closure, that’s all. You needed to do that to feel better, and he can understand this too. When his book was published, his fans came after you too, but you never hated him for this, because you knew how much he needed to write those things. Now it’s your turn to express yourself, because it’s alright to be hurting too, even if you got the good side of things. Your feelings are valid, love.”

“But what if it just makes it worse for him?”

“Then he will call you and try to sort things out. I think it’s time one of you does it anyway.”

“Thank you.”

For the first time during their whole exchange, Troye’s eyes finally met his. Trying to smile reassuringly at him, Jacob pressed a small kiss on the blonde’s forehead. Contrary to popular beliefs that existed only because of Troye’s slim and small body, Jacob was not the strong one in their relationship. Even though they usually exchanged roles like in any healthy relationship, he had noticed in the past few months that Troye had been the one making him feel more confident, prouder to be who he was. Troye had known how to stand tall even before they had started dating, making him -surprisingly for people who had known him with Connor- the leading one most of the times.

“You were so hot when singing _My, My, My,_ ” he finally said, a sly grin on his face. 

“Of course, I was. I was thinking about what the person it was written for would do to me if my performance pleased him.”

Jacob couldn’t help but blush, not denying anything, laughing wholeheartedly. He liked to know that even though one of the most trending songs of the moment inevitably linked Troye to his pas, to his mistakes, _My, My, My_ was a song that was also very popular at the moment. A song that was way more positive, about his, their present, their future.

“Come on, let’s get wasted.”

Troye laughed and jumped from his boyfriend’s leg, not without leaving one last kiss on his lips.

x

The text came when Troye last expected it. He was in their flat in Los Angeles, chilling while Jacob was away for a shooting in whatever State his agency had sent him.

[ _Hey, I know it’s been a while and we both needed time to process what happened, but I think it’s time to let you know that I’m ready to talk whenever you’re ready._ ]

A smile, at first, tears, then. And a few minutes later, a decision, and an answer.

[ _Hey, of course, whenever you want, I’m in LA._ ]

He must have known. It was not really a secret that Troye and Jacob had moved in together in Los Angeles a few months ago. He was going on tour soon but was enjoying his last few days of peace before his crazy schedule would keep him from doing whatever he felt like doing.

[ _Tomorrow 4pm? Usual place?_ ]

The café where they used to go when they were still dating. Nice. Just the best fucking idea. 

[ _Sure I’ll be there!_ ]

[ _Cool :)_ ]

That was going to be so awkward. 

He sighed, mechanically dialling Jacob’s number with trembling fingers. 

“Hey love, what’s up?”

“Connor texted me.”

“Oh”

“We’re meeting tomorrow.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Weird.”

“It’ll be fine, babe.”

“I know.”

It was not like Connor was actually going to hurt him. The problem was that Troye had been so good at ignoring the fact that his former lover was hurting -hell depression was a fucking serious matter- that he was not so sure if he was ready to face the consequences of his acts.

“Call me if you need to, okay?”

“I will.”

They spoke to each other about everything and nothing for half an hour, Jacob trying his best to distract his boyfriend while Troye was trying his best to ignore the cockroaches in his stomach. 

“I have to go babe, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry, thank you.”

“Don’t hesitate to call!”

“I won’t, see you on Tuesday.”

“See you, and text me tomorrow, and call, okay?”

Troye knew exactly why Jacob needed him to call. And he could only appreciate that it was not because he wanted to check that nothing had happened between Connor and him, but only to make sure that he was not lying when saying he was fine. Because he could lie by text, but his voice would always betray him.

“I’ll call you as soon as I get home.”

“Perfect, bye, love you.”

“Love you too.”

It was so weird, how easily they said it now. Surprisingly, Troye had been the first one to say it. They were casually chilling on in Troye’s couch in his Australian house and without even thinking about it, he had blurted the words out between heated kisses. He had thought for a second to excuse himself and go die of shame in a corner of the pool. But Jacob had only smiled and kissed him deeply, his teeth crashing on his own because he was smiling too widely.

_You don’t have to say “I love you” to say “I love you”,_

But sometimes, you just needed to say it, to say how you felt. 

Troye had never told Connor how much he cared.

He never told him he loved him. Maybe because he never had. Everything was so confused, in his head, in his heart. He had been so used to deny himself the right to feel pain for something he had caused that he didn’t know anymore what was real and what had been made up by his own mind as a shield.

Jacob kept saying that he had loved him, but Troye was doubtful. It was just so different from what he had now. Not in a bad way, but less natural, less obvious. The hiding, the discovery… Simply the fact that they were both pretty much unexperienced, young and reckless, but also shy and full of issues on their own, all of this had lead to their breakup. As simple as that. As natural as that. Or at least it had been natural to him. They were not meant for each other, not at that time at least, not in this shape. 

And then Jacob had come into his life, only two months after his breakup with Connor, and everything fell into place, everything finally felt right. The flirting, the consensual teasing, their blooming relationship… Maybe if he had met Jacob first and Connor after that, things would have been different. But life happened in a certain way and there was nothing he could do to change it. 

He was sure it was better this way, anyway.

x

“Hi”

“Hey”

An awkward hug, two coffees ordered, and a table found later, Troye finally decided to speak, cutting off the small talk that has been going on since they had arrived. 

“Listen Connor, I’m sorry.”

“-happy about… What? Sorry for what?”

“Everything?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“I mean… I never meant to- I know I should have warned you about the song, and about everything and I should have called, and I wish things could have been different and that I didn’t hurt you. I know you had it worse, that the tour has helped me to cope with everything and you never had that and were pretty much left alone, and then I met Jacob and it wasn’t fair and I’m so so so sorry Connor, I’m so sorry.”

He finally looked up to meet Connor’s gaze, and even though his smile didn’t reach his eyes, he was still smiling. A sad smile that he knew Jacob had seen him wear way too much for the past few weeks since _The Good Side_ had been released.

“I love your song, Troye, it’s beautiful”

“Thank you.”

“I’m proud of you.”

“And I’m proud of you, Connor, so proud, you’ve been through so much because of me and-”

“Don’t feel so guilty, what is done is done now and nothing will ever change it, I wish things were different, that we had ended up differently, but life happens, and it’s done now.”

Troye nodded, a mouth dry.

“I don’t hate you, I don’t blame you. You made the right decision according to you and I respect that.”

“You don’t agree though.”

“What? No, I won’t tell you that after thinking about it, it was for the better, because I truly think that we had a beautiful future. But I don’t see things the same as you, so I accept your decision. I was sad, I am sad that it ended like that, but I know you did it because it was the right thing to do for you.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t beat yourself up, don’t blame yourself when I don’t blame you.”

“You were always too good for you own sake.”

“Probably, but someone once told be that this planet needed more people like me.”

Troye smiled. Yeah, _someone_.

Here, he could see how different his dynamic with Connor was from the one he had with Jacob.

Connor was just too pure, too good, Troye could only feel bad standing next to him. He had always deserved better than him. Jacob was just as flawed as he was. He was confident, and he made mistakes and then made up for them. He was proud and did what he had to do without relying on Troye to take his decisions. They balanced each other perfectly, two independent men working in tandem. So different from what Connor and him had been.

“So… Jacob, huh?”

“Yeah. What about him?”

“A model, seriously Troye? Way to make someone feel self-conscious!”

“I’m sorry, it wasn’t my intention.”

“I know, I’m joking.”

“He’s been good to me.”

“I figured, it’s been what? Two years? You’re not the kind of guy to stay in a relationship for so long if it’s not a good one.”

“Definitely not.”

“Yeah, if there’s someone on this planet who knows that fact more than anyone, it’s me.”

“Yeah.”

Connor laughed lightly. 

“Don’t worry, it’s a good thing, it means you will never put someone else’s happiness before your own, it demands its own bravery to live like that and it’s something you should be proud of.”

Troye smiled, not only because he felt lighter, and more and more at ease, but also because he could see how Connor had changed, matured, since the last time he’d seen him. Time had had a good effect on him. He was still the sweet, shy teenager he had known, but he was shining on his own now, more like a man definitely not relying on others anymore. And even though he was still far from being confident like Jacob or himself, he was not as insecure as he once had been. It suited him. 

The chatted for another hour, not really talking about personal stuff, or the past, avoiding sensible matters, rather talking about the future, about some of their mutual friends, before finally parting. 

“I’ll text you when I’m back to LA.”

“Yeah I might come to one of your shows if I find the time.”

“Sorry I forgot how busy you were.”

“Yeah actually this year’s quite busy, but I always find time for friends.”

_Friends_. The word hung in the air, heavy, before Troye finally nodded, a small smile on his lips. 

“I guess I’ll see you around then.”

“Yeah, don’t be a stranger Troye, I’ve missed you.”

He pressed his hand on Connor’s shoulder and smiled, more confident this time. He didn’t know if he could bear the _friend_ label, but _not-stranger_ , he could definitely do. 

“Me too, take care.”

And on those words, he took his phone, ready to call Jacob and tell him everything about the surreal things that had happened today.

x

“So, yeah, I guess you all know who this song was written for. He’s in the backstage so, yeah, hm, Connor, this is for you.”

The crowd erupted before growing silent again as they heard the guitar start playing. 

Some of his songs that were dedicated to Connor at first were now sang for Jacob, it was no secret for anyone, but this one would and always would be for Connor, about him and them, for them. 

With time, Troye had learned how to deal with his emotions while on stage, but knowing that Connor was there, that their eyes could meet if he decided he wanted to, made him loose his composure. 

Looking at the crowd, the ceiling, closing his eyes, he sang, sang, and his heart broke, broke, broke. 

And finally, 

He looked up, and their eyes met. 

“ _I'll say I'm proud of all that you've done, you taught me the ropes, and you taught me to love._ ”

His eyes never fluttered, and he decided he didn’t care that he was probably being recorded and that the Tronnor hashtag was going to get wild as soon as the concert was over, if not even before. 

But this was their moment, the moment when he would finally speak his apology for the last time. After that, everything would be put behind them and they would move on, he could feel it, and see it in Connor’s so, so, so bright smile. The relief, the love, the silent _thank you for setting me free_.

“Thank you, for everything.”

x

“You did it!”

He collapsed into Jacob’s welcoming arms. He could feel him breathe in his hair, wrapping his arms around his thin frame. 

“I’m so proud of you”

He was not usually into praise, but a small amount of it never hurt. 

Troye liked to think he was independent enough to not care about anyone’s approval, but Jacob’s obvious pride made his inner self roar with joy. 

Performing with him in the crowd was always different, a surreal experience, a whole new level of natural connexion, of _crazy chemistry between them_.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it.  
> Everything is purely fictional, I just needed to distract myself from studying and a recent talk with someone made me want to write something about former lovers.  
> And of course this beautiful song inspired me.  
> xx


End file.
